stanzas of emotions

which is worse --
expecting, only to realise expectations shouldn't arise
or giving your word but breaking it?

it all seems the same to me
no difference now
the same feelings will come up
sadness, loneliness
a feeling of crashing down too harshly
my heart hurts.

i thought today would be different
because we are one year six months today
but what difference does it make?

that i am leaving soon
that i am going home in six days
does that matter at all
or is that just a complexity to be dealt with?

there are no manuals on expectations
no self-help books on dealing with empty promises
no words of advice on crashing down harshly
everything depends on me.
me alone.

alone. alone is a funny thing to be had.
we have to stand alone even if we are together, she said.
i never believed in it, and perhaps that belief kept me going
for now i feel so alone
i feel alone with everyday that passes
and i am aware of how awkwardly i fit into her dreams.

she does not know if i fit into her life.
to me, that was the saddest thing i experienced.
for she fits into my life
as perfectly as her fingers fit between mine.

expectations and hopes
lead me to sadness
when i did not expect, i did not crash as hard.
but i expected today, and i hoped today
and i fell to the ground
almost too harshly to bear
i would catch her if she fell
but there was no one to catch me when i fell.

because it was a silent fall
and she did not know that i crashed
because she did not know that i expected or hoped
and none of this, i blame her. none.
because maybe it is my own doing.

i thought...
i thought so many things.
i wish...
i wish for so many things.

why do expectations always almost never work out right for me?
do i deserve it?
maybe she could lead a better life
if i wasn't around her.

if i wasn't around her to cause her stress
an inconvenience. a trouble. a worry.
if i wasn't around her she might not be suffocated.
if i wasn't around her her life would fit perfectly.
her dreams would be her dreams.

do i deserve to love her?
i don't know.
all i can give her is my whole, complete love
and maybe that is not enough for her.
maybe what she wants is what i cannot give her.

i thought...
i wish...