the wings of time

Time passes fast.

In the blink of an eye, 3 months have already passed, and I will be going home in two days. Time really passes fast when you are with the one you love, when you are doing what you love. There is something to be said about that, I suppose. For time moves fast when love is abound, and time moves slow when loneliness arises.

I cannot believe how fast time flies. It feels almost as if I was just here, and I was just with here, and we were both so happy together, not thinking about the time that I was going to leave, because leaving for home seemed like such a long time away at that time. But well, now we are here, in this moment, and whether or not we both like it, we are going to have to begin anew with the distance, the never-ending texts that can never say enough of how much we miss each other, and the calling every night to her, that can also never say enough of how much we miss and love each other.

Well, on the positive side we have settled our arguments and wrongs and whatever issues we have with each other, and right now we are just fixing things, making everything go back to just love, and trying to make the most of the last two days we have together before I go home. (Or rather, trying to, since she isn't here with me tonight, she is home.)

I have been tearing and crying intermittently for the past few days. Perhaps it is the PMS, but also because it has been sinking in that I am going to be leaving her to go home. I keep thinking back to the dates we have. It might not have been a lot, but each date we have has been special. It has been extraordinarily special. Perhaps it is because we don't live in the same country, hence we treasure each date we have. Or perhaps it just is that we enjoy each other's company so much. Whatever it may be, the dates that we have been on have been great. And each time I think about it now, it is such a bittersweet feeling.

Bittersweet because it is so sweet; we are so sweet. Bitter because it hurts and it is sad to know that the next time we go on another date will be another three or four months later, if ever. I keep comforting myself that that is how the world works, and we are both going through this now because we will be the epitome of love in future, when she comes to work where I live. I keep comforting myself that all this is for the grander things in life that will come our way, for after we sow, we reap the benefits, is it not so?

Yet I still cannot help but feel sad.. feel extremely sad. Each time I am back home, and I am enjoying myself doing something back home, or going drinking with my friends, it is never completely happy, never completely enjoying, because I feel as if I am missing someone -- her. This very very special girl of mine, who is the lady of my dreams. And so, I cannot help but keep feeling sad, very very sad whenever I think about going home.

The thought of leaving her when she takes me to the airport, the thought of turning around to walk into the airport while she goes back to her life, the thought of checking in and boarding the flight and flying home, it just makes me sick. It makes my heart break, and it makes me feel so terribly sad because I don't want to -- I don't want to turn my back away from her and go home, I don't want to leave her. The thought of all these small, seemingly inconsequential actions just hurts too much.

There is a seemingly permanant ball of tears stuck in my throat, and I try and try not to cry, I try and try not to let those tears blur my eyes and fall down my cheeks. As it is, the smallest things she does now makes me cry. I woke up this morning, gazed at her beautiful sleeping face and I cried. I cried because it has been three months, three months waking up to her lovely face, three months of closing my eyes to the sound of her peaceful, wonderful breathing, and now, now it has to stop and I have to go on home.

I will miss her, I know. I will miss her terribly, and for a few days when I am home, I will probably just wander around in a daze, trying not to think about her. And hoping that she won't forget me. Because I know she tends to try to not be sad, hence she tries to forget everything and anyone who makes her sad. I am already missing her now, how will it be when I go home?

I know she is sad too, she just tries to hide it and not be sad. She just tries to pretend everything is fine, so that it won't sink in. But I have become so used to my baby's idiosyncrasies that even the smallest words from her can convey to me how she really feels. I know there have been times these past few days where she wanted to tear, to be sad, but with those small words, she tried to take it away.

Well, I guess what matters is that she loves me as much as I do, and that she wants to keep this going so badly because she loves me. I guess, at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, we should both be happy that we are luckily in love, that we have each other to run to in times of happiness or sadness, that we have each other to love and to be loved. That is more than what some people can say, I suppose.

It is going to be her birthday in about an hour's time, and I have done my best to do something for her that I hope she will remember for life and that she will like.

I guess I just want her to be happy, happy with me, happy that there is an us, happy that we are love.