if what

There are times when I think, what if I wasn’t how I am now –

What if I don’t jump and scream and wave my hands wildly in the crowd, what if I don’t catch her attention or get her to notice me?

What if I wasn’t smart enough to help her figure out part of her thesis?

What if I didn’t learn patience?

What if I wasn’t rich or pretty enough?

What if I can’t fulfill her dream of what she wants me to be in future, even if I try my best?

What if I know that it is happiness and being together with the one you love that matters, among other things?

I think that she thinks my dreams are small. I know, I shouldn’t say that, and I shouldn’t be thinking that. But some things, though I have chosen to forget, at times it comes back. She said something like that to me before, even though I have chosen to forget about it. I know at that time she was probably just saying it to hurt me. But what if.. what if?

She speaks to me now of grand things in the future. She speaks to me of dreams. I have no doubt that I will get there. It is just a matter of whether the career path I choose will be what she wants me to be. I have no doubt that I will be great in the future. I have no doubt that I will be rich and earn big money in the future. But what if it takes time? What if the career path isn’t what she dreams of me?

I keep putting this worry aside, because I keep thinking that as long as I love her, and that she knows that I love her, it will be okay. I keep putting it aside, because I think that I will be rich, I will be someone great and grand in future. I know I will, it will just take time. But sometimes it knocks on the door of my heart, the door that encloses my fear and worries.

She told me once just a few days ago that she would marry me if I really were to start my own music company. Before that, I told her I wanted to start my own writing company, but she told me examples have shown that it doesn’t earn much. But what if it’s a dream of mine? What if I won’t earn much, but stick with me for a few years and I will earn so much more? What if it makes me happy? What if… what if.

it is her dream to be an outstanding architect. It is her dream to pursue film studies after graduation. But I know, I just know deep in my heart, that for example, even if architects didn’t earn as much money as they do now, I would still want to be with her. I would still want to marry her. I know that , figuratively speaking, if working in the film industry doesn’t bring big bucks, I would still want to be with her. I would still marry her.

It is her dream. And as long as she fulfills those dreams of hers, as long as she’s happy fulfilling those dreams of hers, I would still stick with her. I would still marry her. I know that it might not be big bucks, but definitely one day I will earn big money.

So sometimes these small things scare me. I’ve been meaning to talk to her about it, but she being so busy with her thesis, I feel bad taking up her time. I don’t know what to do about it now, but I guess nothing is certain now. We both cannot foresee the future now.

I know, though, that she wants a forever with me. She wants to be my forever, just as I want to be her forever. And I guess I am sure that with this certainty of us being each others’ forever, things will work out.