from the honest side of my heart

I am in a confused state of mind.

I don’t know how I should think, act, or feel. I believe in complete honesty when I write, yet complete honesty doesn’t seem to go down too well when it is read.

How is writing here going to be cathartic if there isn’t complete honesty to myself, or to anyone else for that matter?

The point is this – I love her. I know I love her completely, wholly. She completes me, even if it sounds silly to say that. She still has the ability to make my heart race, or to make my heart stop, when I know I’m seeing her, when she is with me. Even though we have been together for long now.

But as reiterated, honesty isn’t as refreshing as it seems. At times, hearing those honest words wakes you up.

She speaks to me harshly of waking up and getting over how I feel. She speaks to me harshly of giving myself some credit. I know that – of course I know that. Believe me, I do give myself credit. But what I really wanted to say was that if she understood how I really felt, she wouldn’t be saying that. It wouldn’t be all too easy to say that, if she experienced what I experienced.

Oh, honesty can be a killer. I am waking up, and I am getting over a lot of things she says. Sometimes I find it hard to believe, how cold she can be when she wants to be. It is like flipping the other side of the coin, only to find that the other side isn’t exactly how you envision it to be.

I admit, it is good in a way, because I am really absorbing her words, and I am really waking up and smelling the roses. But, you know, I guess it is still kinda hard to believe how cold she can be, and how she can say exactly those words that will hurt you without a doubt. In a way I guess this shows how well she knows me.

She tells me that she just wants me to support her. She tells me that she is panicking like hell and I am supposed to just be there for her. She tells me that I am the only one who is making things difficult for her.

I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t know how she cannot see that I am there for her all the time, and I don’t know how she cannot see that I support everything she does. If I did not, I wouldn’t invest so much of my time in figuring out part of her thesis for her. I wouldn’t be telling her everyday to believe in herself. I believe so much in her that I know out of her entire batch, she has the least reason to panic, because she is the gifted one, the smart, creative and intelligent one who will find her way around obstacles. I know her well enough to know that, but I also know that she panics because she doesn’t want to repeat her past mistakes.

I don’t want to be yet another obstacle in her path towards greatness. If I am the only one who is making things difficult for her, then I don’t want to be any longer. The way I see it, there are two ways to this. But I just don’t want to get in her way any longer. I don’t want her to have to try to balance me and her work, because if she has to try, then it obviously is something that is difficult for her.

I believe I love her enough to want her to do exceedingly well in her studies and in her life. I am afraid of how it will be now that she is doing her thesis, and I go back home. But like she tells me, I have the same doubts that she has. It is just that I think my doubts really overcome me when I see how things really are.

She speaks to me of how she loves me, but she doesn’t know how to show it. She speaks to me of how she loves me so much. I know she does. I guess it is the fact that we have totally different ways of loving, and my heart hurts when she tells me that she doesn’t know what to do any longer to show me that she loves me.

I want her to love me completely, wholly. I want to be the center of her universe. I don’t need her world to revolve around me. I just want to be more of a part of her life. I want to feel like I exist completely in her world. I don’t want to be just only her life and her world. I want her to have everything else that she wants in it too. But I just want to feel more like a part of her life, a part of her world. I want to know that I exist, and she won’t forget me each time she starts to do something else. I want her to talk about me like how I talk about her. I want everyone of her friends to know how much she loves me, just like how my friends do. I want to be her first thought when she wakes up, and her last thought before she sleeps.

Is that being too selfish? I don’t think it is, because I don’t need to have her world revolve around me. I want her to have everything else that she wants in her life too. I just want to be more of that center of her universe when it comes to love, future, her dreams.

But the circumstances and situations surrounding it keeps making me feel like I am being selfish.