lose control of what's missing

you might have to lose control before you can find what you are missing.

the person whom i was two years ago wouldn't believe the above sentence. the person i am now believes it.

for there truly are some things which, in order to see clearly, you have to lose control. my guess is it applies not only to love or relationships, but to a lot of other things as well.

and i should know, because i have walked that road before, haven't i.

i thought i had to be in control of what i wanted to study when i entered university. but by a twist of fate, i wasn't the one controlling anything, yet i've graduated, and i've managed to find what i'm missing.

it's a simple matter of not being in control, yet knowing how to handle a situation should it happen. i did not so much as control the course i took in university, but studying that and graduating in that faculty made me realise what i was missing.

in love, it is almost exactly that way. i always wanted a relationship where i was in control. where i could decide who to be with, for practical purposes, for other purposes. love was not a foremost reason in being in a relationship.

then i met her. and it was as if this sensation took me by force, without asking if i could hand over control to that sensation. that sensation took over, made me lose control of my relationship, and all i could do was to hold on to her and hope that i could weather the storm.

i did. and i am so glad that i did. because if i did not lose control, i would never have known that she was what i was missing. as silly as it sounds, there is her, and she completes that part of me that i can't complete on my own. her sometimes childish nature, her ability to take a situation and make it into a game, into something fun, makes me laugh. which complements my at times overly serious nature. she is what i am missing.

yes, i admit that there are things that i worry about, that i fear about. when i wrote my previous post, i spoke of worries and fears of not matching up to her. of being unable to fulfill her dreams of me and to make her happy.

however, is it not true that maybe i have to lose control before something great happens? maybe, instead of controlling myself and following my head, i should follow my heart? and for all i know, following my heart could lead me to a career she will be proud of, even if it isn't exactly what she dreamed me to be. perhaps, if i follow my heart, i will do great, i will be great. the future is uncertain, and perhaps to follow my heart is but the only way out of this.

after all, the comment on my previous post rings very true -- she is my supporter, not my deterrent.