writing again

it's been waaaay too long. the layer of dust on this blog is an inch thick now. so, as always, *dust dust* and begin.

i'm still here in the land of love, and will be here for quite awhile longer. almost everyday is spent with her, except for weekends, when she goes home, and i am left alone to my own stuff every weekend.

i guess it's inevitable, we have now grown so used to each other that when she isn't here for the weekend, its like i'm missing my soul, or rather, my soulmate. it feels weird when she isn't here for the weekend because i feel like it isn't complete. all this while i thought it was just me.

then this morning, she woke up and she had a super black face. usually i am the one who isn't a morning person and i'll fight with her in the morning. today, it was her, who actually looked like she was gonna fight me. i don't know, but i'm guessing it's partly because she's gonna go home for the weekend, so she isn't gonna be with me, and also partly because of her thesis. i don't know, but at times, i guess i would like to venture a guess.

anyway, it's been good-going most of the time, but for the recent two weeks or so, it gets tough at times. i guess mostly it's because i feel like we've been together for so long, it's time that not only i honour my words and promises, but her too.

but the main thing is, i'm happy here. as in, i enjoy my time with her. it's obvious, so obvious that we love each other so much, and it shows. i laugh with her, fight with her, get sad with her, get stressed with her. and we have mad fabulous fantastic sex together. i sleep beside her, wake up beside her, hold her, kiss her, touch her when i want to, and it has never been better.

most of the time, i'm happy here. but together with happiness also comes thoughts. while most part of me is happy, some part of me is troubling over some other issue.

i am pondering over the next step to take. i've already graduated for almost 3 months, and i keep pondering over my next step to take. coming here was like a relief from everything, coming here was my graduation gift to myself, because i don't get graduation gifts from anyone i suppose. coming here, i get to clear my mind. but part of me keeps pondering about the next step to take, and i don't know what it is.

i don't want to be the person you see everyday, going to work with an unhappy face and going home after work with a world-weary, stressful look on her face. i don't want to be the person stuck in an office her entire life, dressed in corporate attire, doing whatever anyone else wants her to do. i don't want to not look forward to working. i don't want to do what i dislike, but what others want me to like. i don't want anyone to live vicariously through me.

i know i am not the type of person suited for strict corporate work. i know i am not one to dress in corporate attire 5 days a week. give me that, and trust me, a few months later, i will job hop. i want to do something i'm happy doing. i want to work in an environment where i get to dress comfortably, do what i like doing, and go to work everyday happy, albeit stressed. and i don't know what that is.

i think i want to write. i think i want to start a music company. i think.. i don't know what i think. but i know it's beginning to trouble me as the time comes for me to start looking for a job. i don't want to live off anyone any longer. i am old enough, for goodness sake. it's just, where i live, the arts, local writers, local music, its not that well-received after all.

in addition, things aren't going well on the family side. i think it's been clear that i hate having any kind of obligations with regards to my family. i mean -- i understand the basic obligations, but other than that, i refuse to have any kind of obligations. and recent events have gotten me kinda mad, because it is just about one person, one person whom out of all people, i refuse to have obligations to. and because of this one person, the entire family puts the blame on me. but come on, in my opinion, its a simple matter of postponing, not cancelling just to be vicious and take me on some guilt trip. but then again, i am entitled to my own opinion.

it's kinda scary, because i realise that i don't have any homesickness at all. isn't it supposed to be that when you're away from your home for so long, you should be homesick? the thing is, i don't feel homesick. not at the beginning, not even now. its kinda weird because i'm not homesick for my family. the things i miss are my friends, going out where i live, my room, my sister, her boyfriend, and their dog. that's all. it's kinda weird, and it's kinda scary, realising that. i don't know. right now, i'm not keeping in touch with any of my family members, elder sister included. perhaps i'll start contacting them again sometime soon, but not for now. for now, i don't want to contact any of them.

i don't really tell her all my troubles, because well, i guess it's really more of me. i hate to disturb her, and i don't want to take up her time when she's doing her thesis. and i feel kinda silly if i tell her my troubles and all because it takes up her time and because her family background is so different from mine. its her thesis year, and i guess most of the time, i don't wanna disturb her or trouble her or take up her time. so i end up keeping it all.

anyway, its been written here. writing things here have always been cathartic, and i hope it is, now, too.

it's getting dark, i have today and tomorrow alone, so i guess i should stop here and maybe come back to writing tomorrow.