confessions

i hate having to answer to people.
i hate it, when it is my life and my own doing.
i hate it, because i have always been this way.
i choose who to answer to.

i hate people threatening me.
i think it's unnecessary, and i think it's stupid.
if i was younger, i would have fallen for it.
but threatening me is so unnecessary.
i don't fall for it.

i hate when i screw up once and no one can get past that.
i hate that screwing up means i'm a failure.
i hate that when i screw up, suddenly the blame is all on me.
it's not as if i don't know how i screwed up.
threatening me is so unnecessary in this case.

i dislike it when you know me so well, and you use it to your advantage.
i dislike it when you know what hurts the most, but you do it anyway.
i dislike it when you know where to hit and what to attack.
i dislike it when it really starts to hurt.

i don't like that you know how i am like,
yet you don't bother and say things anyway,
even if you know the effect it would have on me,
or what i don't like the most.

i don't understand, until now, these things.

it is not like i don't know.
i know that to you, my dreams aren't big enough.
i know that you don't understand why money isn't that huge a deal for me.
i know that you don't understand why i'm not as ambitious.

i would just like to tell you that my dreams are big.
i just have such a long way to go that i keep them small.
because unlike others, my dreams have to start from scratch.
i don't have the basic foundations.

i would just like to tell you that i know about money.
but that i also know, all the money in the world wouldn't make me happy,
if i sacrificed everything for the sake of money.

i want to tell you that whatever happened yesterday hurt.
i want to tell you that it hurts a lot, until now.
i want to tell you that i hope it wouldn't affect me,
because i feel like it will.
i want to tell you that i hope it won't change me,
because sometimes i feel like it will.

i want to tell you that i love you.
and i want you to know that i love you.
i want to tell you that precisely because i love you,
i could never leave you,
nor could i say anything that would hurt you.

i just hope you know that i really, really, love you.