Stop thinking.

It's been almost three weeks since the break up. It's one more day to the supposed fourth year anniversary.

While my heart is breaking in a million pieces every single day, while I'm trying my hardest to be happy although there is an empty place in my heart, she is out there being happy with someone new, someone whom she claims totally understands and accepts her. With just these few words, it's like she tossed everything I did right out of the house. As if nothing I did, nothing I risked was ever anything to her.

The world can be so cruel sometimes. She is so happy, so in love, she has forgotten everything that we had together, the things we did together, what and how much we've gone through together. While I am stuck here trying my hardest to forget, trying my hardest not to think of any memories, trying my hardest just to put one foot in front of the other. How can the world be so cruel?

When I found out that my trust in her and love for her resulted in her falling in love with someone else and planning a break up with me so she could be with someone else, my world crumbled and came crashing down. My heart broke into a million pieces. I fell and I couldn't get myself up. I keep trying, and oh, on good days I am able to put one step forward, put on a brave front and go to work, interact like nothing happened.

Then I come home, and my brave facade comes tumbling down. It gets so tiring, and upon reaching home everything just crumbles into disarray. I come home, and everything reminds me of her. I try not to think, I try to function like I normally would, but I don't think no one knows how hard it is. I come home, and every part of me hurts. Every part of me is physically and emotionally hurt. Every part of my being is lonely and that empty space in my heart threatens to take over all of me.

I just want one day where I am not unhappy, not sad, where I don't feel like crying. Just one day. Please.

Today I threw out some of her things. Just a few minor items, and it caused me such heartache that I didn't know what to do after that. Such pain that I couldn't continue for awhile after that. I heard that it would be therapeutic, I thought it could help to cleanse my soul, but all it did was make me miss her so damn much. All it did was hurt me time and time again. I don't understand how such small items make me miss her so much, when she doesn't even remember, when the places she goes, the road she walks, holds no memories of us for her, and just happy times with her new lover.

I wish I didn't remember. I wish I really didn't have to remember anything that we did, the places we went together. Yet everywhere I go, every step I take, I see her. I hear her laughter, I hear what she says, I remember her opinions, what she likes and dislikes. And it hurts. It hurts so bad that sometimes I just want to hide at home, but even home reminds me of her. I walk the streets and it's like she's there with me, laughing, talking, just being with me. I sleep and she's in my dreams. I dream of her. I wish I could stop. I really wish I could stop remembering.

Everyday I try to get rid of little remnants of her, of our life together. I keep hoping that with each time that I throw out her stuff, I will feel a little less pain, I will be a little stronger. But all it really does is to make me remember, to hurt me, to make me miss her.

Tomorrow is the day of our fourth year anniversary. I don't know how I'm going to take it, but I really hope I don't crumble and fall.

I know that the date of tomorrow will not matter to her anymore, she probably won't even remember the significance of tomorrow's date. She probably won't even think anything when she looks at the date tomorrow. And knowing that she won't feel a thing and won't remember a thing just hurts that much more.

Why must it be me? Why must I be the one remembering? Why can't I just forget and not remember, not feel a thing? If only I could be half as strong, half as happy as she is, would it make things any better?

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of always having that ball of tears permanently lodged in my throat. I am so tired of having to put on a brave front, talk and laugh like nothing is the matter, when all I really want to do is hide.

Please. Please make the hurt go away. Please. Please remember.