Trying to forget

Yesterday marked the supposed fourth year anniversary. Of course, it was a hell lot of bullshit, and of course, once again, I was the only one remembering and hurting. But, what's new now, right? I have kinda gotten used to being the one hurting, the one remembering, the one feeling the emptiness and heartache, because when only one person still knows how much the past relationship meant and the many obstacles we had to go jump through, while the other is just oblivious and being the most selfish one can be, I suppose that's what I have to take.

I knew yesterday would be a really bad day. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it and I also knew I would be sad, although I have tried so hard to be strong for the past week. And I was right, because for some reason, when I walked down the street back home yesterday, I saw the bench we sat on, and my heart nearly broke all over again.

To deal with the supposedly insignificant day yesterday, I got myself a new tattoo. On my right rib cage. I got it, most importantly, to always remember who I really am. I feel like I have lost myself. With her lies and cheating and selfishness then the ultimate heartbreak and my whole world crashing down on me, I feel like I have lost myself. And try as I might, I can't seem to get back up again. It's like I don't know how to be happy again. With the new tattoo that I got, I hope that I'll at least be able to always remember who I am, how I am, and how I can get through this. Perhaps. I have lost myself, and because I can't find myself, I keep wandering. Here, there, everywhere, remembering, when really, I would give so much to just forget.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I could just forget. As easily as her. Like there was no care in the world, like no one was hurting, like there were no breakups, no tough uphill climb to make. Wouldn't life be simpler, then? I mean, let's take a leaf from her book, and see how she goes through life, sailing oh-so-easily, even when she claims it's not all that easy. But, come on, let's just look at it this way. There is no care in her world, no care that she was once in a 4 year relationship where someone risked and sacrificed so much for her, taught her so many things and gave of myself fully to her. All that does not matter to her anymore. What matters to her, now, is that one other girl. And hey, it is easy to justify that one other girl, even if she got her by lying, cheating and plain out just scheming and planning her next move. Oh, there is no heartbreak in her world. None at all. No tears, no sadness, no emptiness, no remnants of me in her life at all.

Of course, it all falls to me. The house we both lived in together for two years. Her stuff still lying around here. Me dealing with the housing issues, the rent and the housemates. The memories. The images. And her, just selfishly prancing around, strutting off after warming the seat she sat on, without so much as a look back.

What I would give to be her and be able to not remember, to forget so easily.

I deleted some pictures from my phone awhile ago. Out of all the pictures in my phone, at least 3/4 is of her. Of us. I can't even look at my photo library because all I see, when I scroll, are pictures of us, of her. Deleting some of the pictures awhile ago did not cause me any relief, it caused me heartbreak. More and more heart ache, because I remembered the happy times, I remembered when I didn't have to think if she was lying or cheating on me.

I can't even go through my movies, because I get reminded of how I got those movies for her, because she liked a certain genre, because she wanted to watch those movies, and although I didn't like that genre much, I got so many movies just for her. And now, I am having a tough time just clearing out the movies, not to mention the stuff in my phone.

Oh, what I would give to move on and just have someone find me, someone who will understand, accept, appreciate and love me. What I would give to be able to forget. What I would give to stop hurting and stop feeling the ache in my chest, the lump of tears in my throat.

Oh, what I would give to stop the loneliness and the emptiness that resonates deep in my chest and spreads throughout my entire body.

Stop thinking.

It's been almost three weeks since the break up. It's one more day to the supposed fourth year anniversary.

While my heart is breaking in a million pieces every single day, while I'm trying my hardest to be happy although there is an empty place in my heart, she is out there being happy with someone new, someone whom she claims totally understands and accepts her. With just these few words, it's like she tossed everything I did right out of the house. As if nothing I did, nothing I risked was ever anything to her.

The world can be so cruel sometimes. She is so happy, so in love, she has forgotten everything that we had together, the things we did together, what and how much we've gone through together. While I am stuck here trying my hardest to forget, trying my hardest not to think of any memories, trying my hardest just to put one foot in front of the other. How can the world be so cruel?

When I found out that my trust in her and love for her resulted in her falling in love with someone else and planning a break up with me so she could be with someone else, my world crumbled and came crashing down. My heart broke into a million pieces. I fell and I couldn't get myself up. I keep trying, and oh, on good days I am able to put one step forward, put on a brave front and go to work, interact like nothing happened.

Then I come home, and my brave facade comes tumbling down. It gets so tiring, and upon reaching home everything just crumbles into disarray. I come home, and everything reminds me of her. I try not to think, I try to function like I normally would, but I don't think no one knows how hard it is. I come home, and every part of me hurts. Every part of me is physically and emotionally hurt. Every part of my being is lonely and that empty space in my heart threatens to take over all of me.

I just want one day where I am not unhappy, not sad, where I don't feel like crying. Just one day. Please.

Today I threw out some of her things. Just a few minor items, and it caused me such heartache that I didn't know what to do after that. Such pain that I couldn't continue for awhile after that. I heard that it would be therapeutic, I thought it could help to cleanse my soul, but all it did was make me miss her so damn much. All it did was hurt me time and time again. I don't understand how such small items make me miss her so much, when she doesn't even remember, when the places she goes, the road she walks, holds no memories of us for her, and just happy times with her new lover.

I wish I didn't remember. I wish I really didn't have to remember anything that we did, the places we went together. Yet everywhere I go, every step I take, I see her. I hear her laughter, I hear what she says, I remember her opinions, what she likes and dislikes. And it hurts. It hurts so bad that sometimes I just want to hide at home, but even home reminds me of her. I walk the streets and it's like she's there with me, laughing, talking, just being with me. I sleep and she's in my dreams. I dream of her. I wish I could stop. I really wish I could stop remembering.

Everyday I try to get rid of little remnants of her, of our life together. I keep hoping that with each time that I throw out her stuff, I will feel a little less pain, I will be a little stronger. But all it really does is to make me remember, to hurt me, to make me miss her.

Tomorrow is the day of our fourth year anniversary. I don't know how I'm going to take it, but I really hope I don't crumble and fall.

I know that the date of tomorrow will not matter to her anymore, she probably won't even remember the significance of tomorrow's date. She probably won't even think anything when she looks at the date tomorrow. And knowing that she won't feel a thing and won't remember a thing just hurts that much more.

Why must it be me? Why must I be the one remembering? Why can't I just forget and not remember, not feel a thing? If only I could be half as strong, half as happy as she is, would it make things any better?

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of always having that ball of tears permanently lodged in my throat. I am so tired of having to put on a brave front, talk and laugh like nothing is the matter, when all I really want to do is hide.

Please. Please make the hurt go away. Please. Please remember.

Don't you remember?

I'm so tired. So tired of thinking, talking, finding, breathing, loving, living. I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even find the right words for the right emotion, the exact words to describe the situation. I'm so tired that it has translated to physical exhaustion. It's a chore to get up every morning and do what I have to do, go where I have to go. It takes so much strength just to smile and talk like I usually do and pretend when what I really want to do is to hide at home and cry or just stare at the four walls. It is just so fucking tiring.

Everything was right when I was with her. I could do wonders. I used to crack the stupidest jokes, make a fool of myself, laugh at everything, bitch about everyone, got just the right amount of inspiration and motivation to do the things I have to do. I used to have such big dreams of love; I used to think that love was everything, love was it, love was magical and wonderful and she was my right kind of wonderful and magic.

Now I just feel so empty everyday. I wonder the streets alone and there is just that awful ache in my heart and that lump in my throat. The pain in my heart courses through my veins and it feels like every part of me hurts. It hurts till I start to turn numb, and for awhile there is nothing. Just vast emptiness and a hollow core where my heart should be. Then it starts to hurt again. And it's like a cycle. It just doesn't stop.

I cannot deal with this huge additional blow of her loving someone else. I just can't. How can one person just forget everything? I can't even think of anything properly except for the fact that it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Everything reminds me of her. Every single thing. Where I go, what I do, what I eat, how I speak, where I come home to, every single fucking thing just reminds me of her. There is no place I can turn to where she isn't there, because we have created memories everywhere and she has made a place in my mind and my heart and I just can't stop remembering.

She was my best friend. For the first time in my life, I had finally found a love who was also my best friend. Not only was she my best friend, she was also my soulmate. We understood each other like no one else before. She could just do a simple action, make a face, not speak a word and I would instantly know what she was thinking or feeling. We would text the same things at the same time because that is what soulmates do, that is what best friends do when you are so in tune with the other person you just know that person so well.

She was that to me. My best friend. My soulmate.

I didn't need anyone else when I had her. I don't have anyone else. I can't run to my family the way she does. It was and is just her.

Now that I have lost my best friend and soulmate, now that I have lost the love I love the most, I have no one. For once in my life, I am really, truly, alone.

I do things on my own. I take care of myself when I fall sick. I deal with all the housing issues, rental issues, housemate issues and everything else on my own. If I don't have a place to live, I have to suck it up, because she is no longer here to go through all this shit with me. Thick and thin, sickness and death, what a load of crap. There is no one I can turn to. I couldn't even run to her when I had to deal with my rental issues. We rented this place together. Now I am taking care of it alone. It's like she just sat down in this place for a little while, warmed the seat, then got up and just brushed the dirt off and sauntered away without a care in the world.

Oh, I know, I know I am now nothing to her, but doesn't she remember? Doesn't she look back and think of all the happy memories we had? Doesn't she even know, even hurt, just that slightest bit?

At night I lie in bed alone and think of everything that we've gone through. What I had risked for her, what I had sacrificed for her, what I had given up for her. And it was nothing, it wasn't a sacrifice, because it was for her, and for her, I would do anything.

Does she even remember who helped her out of her first infatuation, her first heartbreak, her first love? Does she remember how I was there every step of the way, no matter how bad it was? Does she remember how I would never let her be alone, feel alone, how I supported her through everything good and bad? How I would scrimp and save just to be there with her, for her? How I helped her to stop being afraid of love and commitment?

I knew that if she left to go back and study to get her professional license, something like that might occur. But I trusted her. I believed in her. I believed in us. I believed in the strength our relationship purportedly had.

I loved her, and because I loved her enough, because I loved her so much, when she wanted to go back and get her license, I didn't stop her. Because I loved her so much, when there was something going on with her first love, I let her be there, I let her do what she had to do, because I loved her. Because I love her.

And now? Now, she loves someone else. Now, because I loved her enough, because I loved her so much to let her do what she wanted to do, she used my love for her to find her love with someone else. To get rid of my love and transfer it onto someone else.

There is no one who can and will understand her, love her, support her, and give her as much attention as I can and will. There is no one who could be as good a best friend and soulmate as I can and will. But she doesn't see it that way anymore. She just doesn't see it anymore.

Don't you remember? Can't you see? Can you see how much I love you? How much I need you? We were made for each other, don't you remember? We are a team, together forever, remember?

How could you forget? It was you. It still is you. I love you. But you were always the strong one.

How could you forget how much I love you?

Back to the truth.

How long has it been? Got caught up in life, forgot about this, and now I'm once again returning. I feel that for some reason, no matter how long I leave this blog alone, I always come back to it when I am in need of some form of catharsis. 

When I first started this blog, I had such hopes of love. I had so much belief, so many dreams about love. All the fairy tale endings that were only in books, I thought it would happen to me, oh, I thought it would come true. And for a while, I thought it did. For a long while, I believed that finally, something good was happening to me. Love was finally mine for the taking, love was finally mine for the giving.

But oh, who am I to decide what is truly mine? 

For nearly four years, I thought I had finally found the one. You know, that one person in your life that you can talk to, laugh with, cry with and not feel any embarrassment or shame no matter what you do wrong and how silly it seems. That person who understands you the way no one else will, who treats you like no one else will. The person who is the first one on your speed dial, the one you text the most, the person you know you can run to. That one person who is your balance in life, your strength and also your weakness. That one person you want to take as your life partner.

I thought I had found her. Finally, after what seemed like ages. And as the years passed, my love for her never diminished, never once disappeared. If anything it increased. Sure, we went through many changes along the way, grew, maybe took a few steps back, maybe took a few steps forward after that, but regardless, my love and my feelings for her never were anything less than what it started out to be.

I was so happy with her. We moved in together, and those two years were the happiest times of my entire life. I thought we were so strong. I thought we could overcome anything in our way.

I thought wrong.

Things change. The grass is greener on the other side. And with just a few words, the greener side outshone me. Maybe it seemed exciting, maybe it seemed so green that she forgot what we were, how we were, the things we went through, what we mean to each other, how we cherish each other. Maybe it was just that easy to forget.

I don't know what effect this has on her, because there seems to be little to no effect. It doesn't seem to bother her in the least. While I can't eat, can't sleep, can't feel, while my heart aches with every breath I take, she is living her life as if nothing has happened.

I feel more alone than ever. Alone, and lonely. The one person who should know how I feel without me even articulating the words is gone, and hence no longer feels it. It's like everything is out of focus and there is nothing to feel, except for the breaking of my heart. The days seem so long, the nights even longer. Everywhere I go, every direction I turn towards, she is there. Whatever I do, I think of her. Each place I enter, I think of her. Every place brings back memories of us together. So much so that it hurts, all the time, with every single step I take, even if I try not to think about it. I walk with my head down, because everywhere I go brings back such strong memories of us that it tears me up inside and brings tears to my eyes.

You know how they say that when you have found the one, you will feel that everything is possible, no matter how bad it is, and that nothing is impossible? I felt that way with her. No matter how bad things were, no matter what happened, I was alright, I felt that I could do it, because I had her. Because she made me feel that everything was possible. 

She was my strength. She was my everything. She was my best friend. And she was the one I wanted to be with forever, to have a family with, to be successful with. She was, and she still is, my reason for coming home everyday. 

But now I come home to a lonely room. A silent house. I eat alone, I walk alone, I take care of myself when I fall sick. The reason for coming home has disappeared.

Yet, despite everything, I still love her. I still love her so much that it hurts.

I still love her. She was always the strong one.

  

ready or not, here it goes

I guess because I think you've forgotten about this, it makes it easier for me to pen down my thoughts here. Which, in a way, is good, because then I allow myself to be honest to myself.

I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm afraid, and you, as my girlfriend, you don't have a clue about what is going on in that mind of mine. And I don't blame you, because it's not like i tell you what's on my mind either.

I thought about a number of things last night and this morning, and I got frightened. Simply put, you are never one to express your love, to show me how you feel about me. And it's getting to the point where I don't know if I should feel insecure, or I should just pretend these feelings don't exist and lock them somewhere in the back of my mind and throw away the key -- until it reappears again, in a worse form.

You expect a great deal from me, but I am not allowed to expect anything from you. Expectations become the start to a quarrel if I should expect anything. One night you told me how you aren't allowed to think for yourself or make your decisions, because I make them all for you.

If only you knew. You end up making all those decisions, baby, and I end up doing them all for you. That is the difference. That is what I thought about the moment you said it, and what I kept thinking about. You think you don't make the decisions. But baby, just look at how many times you make the decision, and how many times, all I do is just carry out whatever you decide.

I want to talk to you about so many things so bad, but you just refuse to listen to me. You give me a million reasons why we shouldn't talk about it, and because I don't want to ruin your mood, I let it go.

Don't you know that when words remain unspoken, sometimes it doesn't go away? Instead it stays and accumulates until it clogs up your throat and you just want to spit it out so you can breathe again?

I have so many things that I wanna say to you. I am afraid of so many things, but you refuse to listen to me.

There have been times when I have needed you recently, but you just seemed so far away. It is like you were lost in your own world, and everything surrounding you was just you and you. I got lost somewhere in the world outside of yours, and I can't get in because you can't see me. You tell me about your work, about everything, but don't you realise that I haven't told you many things about myself or my work in a long time. It is like you are in a world where there is only you and the things that you love, and I am not one of them. I am what surrounds the things you love - I am standing just outside, so that if you should need me, you just need to reach out a hand and grab me and I am easily within your reach. That kinda external world.

I wanted to see you today, but I needed some time to think. It's a first for me to do this, and I don't know what it signifies.

I don't know if you are commitment-phobic. I understand your fears, but I also know that your fears are overrated. You refuse to think of possibilities and solutions to your fears and problems - instead you let it stay, and when the time comes that I ask you about it, you just tell me straight out what your fears are, without even thinking of a solution or a way out of it.

If it was something huge, I would understand. But these are just small fears and small problems in the way, and you can't even think of a solution that I could think of in 5 seconds.

It is almost as if you are letting your fears stay there so that you can keep me out of your life and ensure that I stay out. It is to the point where I think that you don't want it; all you want is just someone to spoil and pamper you and do whatever you say. Your fears and your lack of solutions and ways out just make me feel that I am not that important after all - that what you want is to do what you want and chase what you want on your own, with only yourself for consideration and not someone you claim to love.

This is the time where I keep asking myself why I let you do whatever you want, even if it makes me unhappy. You asked for time regarding moving out, I gave you that time. For 2 and a half years, I gave you time. Even though it makes me so unhappy and intolerable it makes me nearly impossible to breathe when I'm in the house. I gave that up, for you and for what you wanted, because I love you and I understand your fears.

But now, now that the time is drawing near, I just see how you keep lagging behind and procrastinating. It is almost akin to a small kid dragging her heels because she doesn't wanna go to phonics classes or something.

You say you are afraid, but I think you are just scared that I will leave you once we move in together. I think you are afraid because once I start leaving with you and see how your habits are like, I will leave you. because you think everyone leaves you eventually.

But I have not, have I? Doesn't that prove something? Don't all the things i do for you, all the things and emotions that i give up for you prove something?

There are only two things you get out of living together and moving in. It either breaks down and falls apart, or it means a together forever for us both.

And you're just afraid to see how it goes. I think I have that much more faith in us than you.

Because despite your idiosyncrasies and little annoying habits, your lack of responsibility and consideration, I already know that it can only be a together forever for us both. With lots of savings and fun. Because we already know how we are like together.

We do the silliest things together. We can even do nothing and be happy that we are doing nothing together. We get to save, we get to go home to each other every night. We get to come home to each other. We get to go home together, go out together, leave you breakfast and butterfly kisses in the morning before leaving for work. We can cuddle and snuggle and sleep together. You can put your arms around me and smell me to sleep. I can put my arms around you and soothe and comfort you when you wake up in the middle of the night. I can cook for you and take care of you.

And you can love me, privately, every single day, with kisses and hugs and hand-holdings and snuggling together to watch movies without telling me that you can only show me how much you love me in private.

All these is what we are missing out on. And when I see how you try to procrastinate and lag behind, it just breaks my heart and saddens me. Because you don't want it as much as I do.

I am afraid of so many things, and my heart just keeps aching when I see how you don't want this for us or you don't do that for us.

It makes me sad, and I don't want to be sad with you.

We are a together forever, and I don't know how you could have forgotten that.

hi there, i'm back for a while

 Lately there have been many things running through my mind. My mind is like a washing machine, set at high speed to wash such filthy laundry that the water is at its hottest, the speed is at its highest, and the spinning and washing continues for a period of time much longer than any laundry. These matters spin and revolve in my mind, colliding, drifting, but always there. Sometimes it gets such that I would be sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus, and the next thing I know, I’m looking up and my bus is pulling into the stop and if I don’t hurry and flag my bus, it just drives off without picking its lone passenger up.

I am an observer. I pay attention to words. In fact, too much attention, sometimes. It drives some people nuts, and it drives me nuts, when I argue and it all comes down to semantics and nuances and the words used at the wrong time. But sometimes, the observations that I store in my mind make sense. Like when I read certain stuff, and subconsciously I note the subtext. Like when I read certain paragraphs or quotes or look at certain pictures, and I start thinking about where it came from and why it is there. You don’t put something up when it does not mean anything to you. And if it means something to someone, the person who reads it would know that it is not there for nothing.

It is kind of like how I am right now. I say certain stuff, do certain things, act in a way that I act in, am quiet in a way that I am quiet in, because I choose to be. It is not there for nothing. There is a part of me that I keep hidden, and so far none have been able to break the wall. She has gotten close, she cracked the wall, but let it go for too long, and over time I rebuilt it.

I keep thinking and wondering. I wonder if she thinks about replacing me. I wonder if she thinks about having someone who never tells her to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. I wonder if instead, she thinks about having someone who tells her that the sun shines out of where it doesn’t shine. I wonder if she thinks about her love for me, as much as I think about my love for her.

It is said that there is always a girl who loves you more than you love her back in a relationship. Am I that girl? The one who loves her more than she loves me back. I don’t doubt that she loves me, and I have never really thought about whether or not she loves me more than I love her. But recently her love for me has been so slight and so close to not loving that it gets me quite undone at times.

I don’t like telling her any of these, so I refuse to speak to her of it. What happens is that over the weekend, she started asking me why I was quiet, why I wasn’t speaking to her about anything. I guess it all stems from the fact that she once told me not to tell her how much I love her, not to count and put into words how much I love her, because that would be like stating and counting all that I do for her. So I refrained, and over time, the words just got lost in the air around us.

But if ever she returns to read this blog, if ever she knows where I hide my feelings, if ever you do return to read this, baby, this is for you.

dear... a letter

Dear baby,

Sometimes I get lost in my words and I don’t know what to say. Recently I haven’t said a lot to you. Right now, I am attempting to talk to you, if only you would listen.

Am I the girl who loves you more than you love her?

I’ve been wondering about that for some time now. If you know me, you would know that I have never actually thought about it. But right now, the way you love me is such that it makes me scared, and it makes me think. Are you thinking about replacing me with someone who loves everything about you, such that everything is perfect even if its not? Are you comparing yourself with other people who are in relationships and thinking about being with someone who laughs and cries with you and for you? Are you thinking about anything regarding us, or are you still so completely in love with me that you don’t even think about any of these?

Somehow I doubt my own last statement, I don’t know why.

The last time you surprised me was a year and a half ago. The last time I got a surprise gift from you without asking you to get me anything or getting it and asking you to pay for me was too long ago, with the exception of when you went on the road trip and got me some stuff that I wasn’t expecting. That was really lovely, and that reminded me again of why I am with you. It also reminded me of how long you haven’t done something like that.

I am not someone who will ask you to do that. I have too much pride, and I love you too much to tell you to do something like that. Perhaps because I am someone who would surprise you, do all kinds of stuff for you, get you all kinds of stuff without you asking me to. Perhaps that is why I don’t ask of you to surprise me or buy me surprise stuff or be really cute or sweet.

But I wish you would. I really wish you would.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to really show me, in actions, in words, in gifts or whatever you might prefer, how much you love me. I know that you are the type of girl who does not express love explicitly, and I accept it. But it’s been more than 2 years, and I am sure you are more comfortable in expressing your love for me.

Sometimes I just want cute little nothings, or a huge giant surprise. I want gifts that I have been longing for, and you know that I have been longing for, but of which I don’t tell you because I don’t want you to know. Sometimes I just want you to be sweet. Sometimes I just want you to hold my hand or my arm in public and not think that the entire world is looking at you, for at times, two girls can actually hold hands or link arms and no one will think anything because all good friends do that. Sometimes I just want secret kisses. Sometimes I just want secret love notes hidden in my bag. Sometimes I just want you to text me first without me worrying and texting you. Sometimes I just want you to listen to me when I speak. Sometimes I just want you to be on my side no matter what. Sometimes I really want you to listen to me when I’m upset or unhappy about certain things, instead of pretending to listen but not really listening, instead going online, and giving me crap answers or being neutral or not taking sides when all I want is for you to take my side and listen to me.

Sometimes all I really want is for you to give me some attention. (but you give me none so many times)

Right now I am confused because I don’t know if you really love me, and I don’t know how much you love me, and I don’t even think you love me as much. I guess I am insecure, and I suppose part of that is the reason why I keep getting mad at you.

I don’t know if you love me as much anymore.

Just this morning, my phone vibrated, and I thought for once that it was you. That you had surprised me by actually loading up without me nagging you to, and surprising me by texting me. But it wasn’t, and I accepted it because that is part of you, isn’t it.

I am having doubts about myself, and I would appreciate it if you could perhaps appease the doubts in me. But somehow you are so caught up in your own world that you don’t even see me standing by, silently waving to you, hoping that I could catch your attention, if only for a minute. At times I feel that you are so caught up in your own world that the only thing you talk to me about is your world, and the things happening around you. And I just sit there silently listening to you, and really listening to you.

All I really want is for us to move in together. I have been waiting for forever. You wanted time, I gave you time. Now time is almost up but yet you are doing nothing about it, and I don’t know anymore how to tell you about it. You don’t know how hard it is for me to live at home. You don’t know how unhappy I am, because you are happy when you live in your own home. But you don’t know how unhappy I am. You don’t know how happy I am when I stay with you in the hotel for a few days – even if just for a few days. I am happiest when I am with you, and all I want, all I need to be happy, is to move in with you.

I don’t know if you are commitment-phobic. All I ask is for us to live together, to move in together. I am not even asking you to marry me. This is just us moving in together. If it sucks, we move out and live apart. If it’s great, we would be together forever. I am just asking for us to move in together, but for you, that is so difficult for you to make a move. I know you are scared, and I know you still think that people always leave you.

But I haven’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

I think the sun shines out of your ass. I think that you look beautiful even if you are hungover and sick. I think you look beautiful even if you wake in the morning with drool on the pillow, creases on your face, and a messy hair. I think you are beautiful even if you kiss me with such bad morning breath. I think you look beautiful even when you sit up in the middle of the night unknowingly, bugging me about stuff that you don’t even know you are doing. My heart breaks when I see you cry. I get angry when someone takes advantage of you and you don’t see it coming. I get upset when you are upset. I worry for your safety.

But most of all, I think you are the most beautiful person on earth and no one could ever replace you, not in a million years. I love you, and I love everything about you. The way you speak, the way you hair smells, the way you look at me, how you get mad, how you speak so cute, all your little nuances and actions, every single thing about you.

Because I have you, I don’t need anyone else. Just you, and it is enough. You complete me.

I hope you know how I feel, and with this little long letter, I hope that somehow, someway, one day, you will understand.

I love you.

Love,
Me

back for thoughts and texts

 

It is so much easier to write here than on tumblr. Especially when these words need effort and thoughts.

What do you feel about executing revenge? I don't believe in executing revenge. Yes, to people whom I don't care for, maybe I would. Maybe. 

But for the person I love?
Never.

Today, she made her point by taking revenge on me. It was an act of vengeance, of pure wanting to get back at me and make me see. She failed to take in the circumstances. She failed to think about the countless times she has done the same thing to me for 28 months, and how I did not really make a big fuss about it.

She failed to think about a great deal of things.

All because she had only one thing on her mind - revenge.

She didn't think to see that we had grown. She didn't think to see that we matured. She didn't think to see that when I had to do what I did, it was on the spot. It was not a "oh, you did that to me, and I am going to do it back to you, just you wait. I have plans, and I am not going to tell you, oh no sirree, even though I know you might know, I will just continue playing dumb and pretend that I have no plans". 

When I did what I did, it was not of that mindset. It was an on the spot thing. 

Yet today, I gave her a chance. I had this inkling of a thought that she might do this, that she might have something up her sleeve. So I waited. And I waited. 

And I waited for her to tell me. 

I gave her so many openings, so many hints. She took neither. She simply was blinded by her act of wanting to get back at me, get her point across, take revenge, and win.

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you would execute revenge on that person.

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you don't let it go, but you keep it in your heart and just wait, and wait, for the right moment to come so you can plan your revenge. 

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you might want to push your point across, but by using this drastic method? No way.

Love is not revenge. Were love revenge, the world would be a dark place to live in. 

I never thought there would come a day in this relationships when she would take revenge on me. I don't take revenge on her, and I have never believed in taking revenge on her, because I love her. I never thought she had it in her to do it.

Funny how, when I first asked her about it, she outrightly admitted that it was to get back at me. Upon realising that I was truly pissed, she changed her statement. For what? You already said it, it's already out there, and even horses couldn't chase your words back.

Oh, you could say it seven ways from Sunday, you could say it till the cows come home, but ultimately, all you wanted was revenge.

Is your love revenge? By loving me, do you mean taking revenge on me?

Never, in 28 months or more, have I ever taken revenge on you. I love you. I don't show you my love by taking revenge on you.


People may have said that I love you more than you love me. I choose to turn a blind eye, a deaf ear, a hardened heart. 


Then you take it all and throw it away by doing this. I love you more? 


I don't know.


Sometimes I just wish that you could wish for me, when you wish and dream. 


I would like your world to revolve around me and you, but I know your world revolves around much more than that, and I don't blame you.


But showing me how you love me by executing revenge on me? That's not love. That is hurtful.


And you should have known that it would hurt.


I am not made from iron.


When you want to run to someone, when you need a shoulder to cry on, when you want to do stuff that others won't do with you, you look to me. You run to me.


Then you gather all that you took from me and throw it back in my face.


If this is love, I don't want to think of the antonym of love.

HIATUS

Haitus.

A new beginning, and hopefully better things will come my way.

Moved.

Here: Sometimes the normal is simply what we are used to.