Trying to forget
Yesterday marked the supposed fourth year anniversary. Of course, it was a hell lot of bullshit, and of course, once again, I was the only one remembering and hurting. But, what's new now, right? I have kinda gotten used to being the one hurting, the one remembering, the one feeling the emptiness and heartache, because when only one person still knows how much the past relationship meant and the many obstacles we had to go jump through, while the other is just oblivious and being the most selfish one can be, I suppose that's what I have to take.
I knew yesterday would be a really bad day. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it and I also knew I would be sad, although I have tried so hard to be strong for the past week. And I was right, because for some reason, when I walked down the street back home yesterday, I saw the bench we sat on, and my heart nearly broke all over again.
To deal with the supposedly insignificant day yesterday, I got myself a new tattoo. On my right rib cage. I got it, most importantly, to always remember who I really am. I feel like I have lost myself. With her lies and cheating and selfishness then the ultimate heartbreak and my whole world crashing down on me, I feel like I have lost myself. And try as I might, I can't seem to get back up again. It's like I don't know how to be happy again. With the new tattoo that I got, I hope that I'll at least be able to always remember who I am, how I am, and how I can get through this. Perhaps. I have lost myself, and because I can't find myself, I keep wandering. Here, there, everywhere, remembering, when really, I would give so much to just forget.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I could just forget. As easily as her. Like there was no care in the world, like no one was hurting, like there were no breakups, no tough uphill climb to make. Wouldn't life be simpler, then? I mean, let's take a leaf from her book, and see how she goes through life, sailing oh-so-easily, even when she claims it's not all that easy. But, come on, let's just look at it this way. There is no care in her world, no care that she was once in a 4 year relationship where someone risked and sacrificed so much for her, taught her so many things and gave of myself fully to her. All that does not matter to her anymore. What matters to her, now, is that one other girl. And hey, it is easy to justify that one other girl, even if she got her by lying, cheating and plain out just scheming and planning her next move. Oh, there is no heartbreak in her world. None at all. No tears, no sadness, no emptiness, no remnants of me in her life at all.
Of course, it all falls to me. The house we both lived in together for two years. Her stuff still lying around here. Me dealing with the housing issues, the rent and the housemates. The memories. The images. And her, just selfishly prancing around, strutting off after warming the seat she sat on, without so much as a look back.
What I would give to be her and be able to not remember, to forget so easily.
I deleted some pictures from my phone awhile ago. Out of all the pictures in my phone, at least 3/4 is of her. Of us. I can't even look at my photo library because all I see, when I scroll, are pictures of us, of her. Deleting some of the pictures awhile ago did not cause me any relief, it caused me heartbreak. More and more heart ache, because I remembered the happy times, I remembered when I didn't have to think if she was lying or cheating on me.
I can't even go through my movies, because I get reminded of how I got those movies for her, because she liked a certain genre, because she wanted to watch those movies, and although I didn't like that genre much, I got so many movies just for her. And now, I am having a tough time just clearing out the movies, not to mention the stuff in my phone.
Oh, what I would give to move on and just have someone find me, someone who will understand, accept, appreciate and love me. What I would give to be able to forget. What I would give to stop hurting and stop feeling the ache in my chest, the lump of tears in my throat.
Oh, what I would give to stop the loneliness and the emptiness that resonates deep in my chest and spreads throughout my entire body.
I knew yesterday would be a really bad day. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it and I also knew I would be sad, although I have tried so hard to be strong for the past week. And I was right, because for some reason, when I walked down the street back home yesterday, I saw the bench we sat on, and my heart nearly broke all over again.
To deal with the supposedly insignificant day yesterday, I got myself a new tattoo. On my right rib cage. I got it, most importantly, to always remember who I really am. I feel like I have lost myself. With her lies and cheating and selfishness then the ultimate heartbreak and my whole world crashing down on me, I feel like I have lost myself. And try as I might, I can't seem to get back up again. It's like I don't know how to be happy again. With the new tattoo that I got, I hope that I'll at least be able to always remember who I am, how I am, and how I can get through this. Perhaps. I have lost myself, and because I can't find myself, I keep wandering. Here, there, everywhere, remembering, when really, I would give so much to just forget.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I could just forget. As easily as her. Like there was no care in the world, like no one was hurting, like there were no breakups, no tough uphill climb to make. Wouldn't life be simpler, then? I mean, let's take a leaf from her book, and see how she goes through life, sailing oh-so-easily, even when she claims it's not all that easy. But, come on, let's just look at it this way. There is no care in her world, no care that she was once in a 4 year relationship where someone risked and sacrificed so much for her, taught her so many things and gave of myself fully to her. All that does not matter to her anymore. What matters to her, now, is that one other girl. And hey, it is easy to justify that one other girl, even if she got her by lying, cheating and plain out just scheming and planning her next move. Oh, there is no heartbreak in her world. None at all. No tears, no sadness, no emptiness, no remnants of me in her life at all.
Of course, it all falls to me. The house we both lived in together for two years. Her stuff still lying around here. Me dealing with the housing issues, the rent and the housemates. The memories. The images. And her, just selfishly prancing around, strutting off after warming the seat she sat on, without so much as a look back.
What I would give to be her and be able to not remember, to forget so easily.
I deleted some pictures from my phone awhile ago. Out of all the pictures in my phone, at least 3/4 is of her. Of us. I can't even look at my photo library because all I see, when I scroll, are pictures of us, of her. Deleting some of the pictures awhile ago did not cause me any relief, it caused me heartbreak. More and more heart ache, because I remembered the happy times, I remembered when I didn't have to think if she was lying or cheating on me.
I can't even go through my movies, because I get reminded of how I got those movies for her, because she liked a certain genre, because she wanted to watch those movies, and although I didn't like that genre much, I got so many movies just for her. And now, I am having a tough time just clearing out the movies, not to mention the stuff in my phone.
Oh, what I would give to move on and just have someone find me, someone who will understand, accept, appreciate and love me. What I would give to be able to forget. What I would give to stop hurting and stop feeling the ache in my chest, the lump of tears in my throat.
Oh, what I would give to stop the loneliness and the emptiness that resonates deep in my chest and spreads throughout my entire body.
posted by slantedvision at 1:17 PM
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